Patrick Star Wars: The Farce Awakens
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... Patrick Star Wars: The Farce Awakens is an episode of The Silly Adventures Of Patrick Star: Back In Action. Transcript (Scooter, a pilot for the Resisty, walks into a village on a desert planet, where Old Man Jenkins is waiting for him.) Old Man Jenkins: Do you have it? Scooter: Like, totally, dude! (takes out a map) Map: (singing) If there's a place you gotta go, I'm the one you need to know, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map. Old Man Jenkins: Uhh... Scooter: Don't worry, bro! It does that! (Suddenly, stormtroopers rush into the village.) Scooter: Oh no, bro! Map, get outta here! Map: (singing) If there's a place you gotta get, I can get you there I bet, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map. (The map digs itself into the sand as stormtroopers grab Scooter and Old Man Jenkins. The leader of the stormtroopers, an asthma-hound Chihuahua known as Ren, walks up to them.) Ren: Where did the map go? Scooter: Like, what map? (Ren slaps Scoooter.) Ren: You know perfectly well what map I'm talking about. The map that contains the location of Pat Starwalker! Old Man Jenkins: Why do you want to find him so badly, anyway? Ren: Because he's an eediot! (The stormtroopers take Scooter and Old Man Jenkins onto Ren's spaceship, where they're guided to interrogation rooms. Ren takes a stormtrooper with him as he interrogates Scooter.) Ren: I'll ask you one more time. Where's the map? Scooter: I don't know, dude. (Ren takes out an oar.) Ren: Wrong answer. Scooter: W-what are you going to do that, bro? No, nooo! (The stormtrooper watches in horror as Ren uses the oar to beat Scooter to a pulp. Once Ren is finished, he drops the oar and stretches.) Ren: Keep an eye on him, won't you? (The stormtrooper nods, and Ren leaves the room. The stormtrooper kneels next to Scooter, who is barely breathing.) Stormtrooper: You okay? Scooter: Why do you care, dude? You're nothing but a henchman. Stormtrooper: No, I'm different. (The stormtrooper takes off his helmet to reveal a fish underneath.) Stormtrooper: Come on. I'm bustin' you out. Scooter: Wha? (The stormtrooper grabs Scooter and runs to the escape pods.) Scooter: Why are you helping me? Stormtrooper: Because I'm a good guy now. Just go with it. Scooter: Can I at least get a name? Stormtrooper: FN-1991. Scooter: That name's bogus! How about I call you Finn? You know, like fish fins? Finn: Ooh, I like it. Scooter: Great! Let's get out of here! (A passing stormtrooper sees Scooter and Finn getting into their escape pods.) Stormtrooper: Hey there! Where do you think you're going? Finn: Out of here! (Finn shoots the stormtrooper with his blaster.) Scooter: Like, whoa, dude! Did you just kill that guy? Finn: Nah, he'll live. Scooter: Really? (Finn shrugs. Once Finn and Scooter are locked into the escape pods, the escape pods leave Ren's ship and start flying towards the desert planet.) Finn: Get your parachute ready! Scooter: You didn't mention a parachute, bro! Finn: Oops. (Finn ejects from his escape pod and opens his parachute. He watches as his and Scooter's escape pods explode on the planet below.) Finn: Don't worry, Scooter. I'll continue fighting for you. (After landing on the desert planet, Finn finds Scooter's jacket in the sand. He takes off his stormtrooper armor and puts the jacket on. He then walks to the nearest settlement, where he sees the map bouncing down a road with a female stingray.) Finn: Hey! (The map turns around and immediately recognizes Scooter's jacket on Finn. The map bounces towards Finn, and the stingray follows it.) Stingray: Who are you? Finn: My name is Finn. Stingray: Like that stretchy guy on that Cartoon Network show? Finn: We don't talk about that show here. How about you? What's your name? Stingray: Rei. Finn: That's just different enough to keep us from getting sued! Rei: What do you want? Finn: That map over there. Map: (singing) I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map... Rei: You can have it. The junk boss wouldn't give me anything for it. Plus, it's annoying. Finn: Wait, you're a scavenger? Rei: Yeah. What do you do? Finn: Don't tell anyone...but I'm part of the Resisty! Rei: The Resisty is still a thing? That is so 30 years ago. Finn: Yeah, well we're back, and that map will lead us right to Pat Starwalker! Rei: That's so cool! I wish I knew that when I took it to the junk boss. (Suddenly, Ren's spaceship lands in the middle of the settlement, and stormtroopers start running out of it.) Finn: Barnacles! We've gotta bounce! Rei: We? Finn: The junk boss will tell on you as soon as Ren's people find him, so you need me to keep you safe. (Finn stuffs the map in his pocket, grabs Rei's hand, and runs towards a spaceeship shaped like a pineapple.) Rei: Let go of me! I can keep myself safe! Finn: Sorry, can't hear you! (Once Finn and Rei are in the spaceship, Rei punches Finn.) Finn: Ow! Is this the thanks I get? Rei: Go bite whale bubbles! Voice: Hey, hey! Can't we all just get along? (Finn and Rei turn around to find the owner of the voice is a wrinkly old sponge.) Rei: Are you SpongeSolo? SpongeSolo: That I am, missy! What are you two doing on my ship? Finn: We're escaping from Ren's men. Rei: Correction: You're escaping from Ren's men. I'm an unwilling participant. SpongeSolo: Ooh, a good old-fashioned getaway! Stay right here! I'll have the Millenium Fruit blasting off in no time! (SpongeSolo runs to the cockpit, where Garebacca is chewing on a Snookiee Stick.) SpongeSolo: Don't eat too many of those, Garebacca. You know what they do to your liver. Garebacca: Merowrowrow. (SpongeSolo flies the Millenium Fruit into space. An hour later, Finn walks into the cockpit.) Finn: Say, where are we going? SpongeSolo: To meet with General Sandra, of course! You have the map, right? (SpongeSolo points to the map in Finn's pocket.) Finn: Yeah, I guess. SpongeSolo: Then we're right on schedule! (SpongeSolo lands the Millenium Fruit onto a jungle planet. Resisty fighters surround the ship, and SpongeSolo walks out with his hands up. General Sandra, who is with the fighters, tells the fighters to disperse, then she approaches SpongeSolo.) General Sandra: What are you doing back here? SpongeSolo: I have something you may want. (SpongeSolo motions for Finn to come out of the Millenium Fruit. After he does that, Finn gives General Sandra the map.) Map: (singing) I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map... General Sandra: Yep, that's definitely it. (General Sandra notices Rei watching them from inside the Millenium Fruit.) General Sandra: And who's she? Finn: Just a scavenger. Rei: Just a scavenger? (Rei runs off the Millenium Fruit and starts chasing Finn around.) Rei: Fight me like a man! Finn: I want my mommy! General Sandra: After you two are done with that, join us in the base! (Finn and Rei follow General Sandra and SpongeSolo to the Resisty base. There, General Sandra types the coordinates of Pat Starwalker's location into Squidroid.) Squidroid: You're taking me along? General Sandra: Better you than that singing map. Map: (singing) I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map... Squidroid: If I could feel pain, I'd feel an extraordinary amount of it right now. General Sandra: SpongeSolo, you and your friends have my highest respect. Please, take these honorary lightsabers as gifts. (Three Resisty fighters give SpongeSolo, Finn, and Rei boxes containing lightsabers. Suddenly, the ground starts to shake.) General Sandra: What's that? (A fighter runs into the base, panting.) Fighter: Stormtroopers are coming! General Sandra: Barnacles! How did they find us? (Ren enters the base with an army of stormtroopers behind him.) Ren: Someone on the desert planet tipped us off, and after that, it was as easy as following a giant pineapple. (Everyone gives SpongeSolo dirty looks.) SpongeSolo: My bad. Ren: Now, where's the map? Map: (singing) I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map... General Sandra: For once, will you shut up? (Ren grabs the map and laughs.) Ren: Finally! Now I can get my revenge on Pat Starwalker for getting The Silly Adventures of Stimpson J. Cat cancelled! "Oh, we can't have two shows about idiot sidekicks!" the network said. That's a weekly paycheck I'll never see again! (Suddenly, a lightsaber goes through Ren's chest.) Ren: Huh? (Rei walks up to Ren and takes her lightsaber out.) Rei: I'm in a building full of trained, elite fighters, and I'm the first person to think of this? General Sandra: Well, you see, uh... (The stormtroopers look at each other confused.) Stormtrooper 1: What do we do now? Stormtrooper 2: I don't know. Stormtrooper 3: Hey, is that FN-1991? Finn: Look at the time! We should probably get going now! General Sandra: Come back anytime you want to. Finn: Yeah, yeah! Whatever, let's go! SpongeSolo: Give Pat my best regards, Sandra. (SpongeSolo, Finn, and Rei depart and are ignored by the now-leaderless stormtroopers. General Sandra and Squidroid squeeze into a small spaceship, which they use to fly to a water planet covered with small islands. They land on an island, and after several minutes of walking, they find a now-bearded Pat Starwalker sleeping on a rock. General Sandra: Hello, Pat. Pat Starwalker: (wakes up) Sandra? Squidroid? General Sandra: It's time to come out of hibernation. We need you. The galaxy needs you. It needs... Pat Starwalker: My silly adventures. General Sandra: Your silly adventures. (Pat Starwalker nods and picks up his rock, revealing M. Night Shyamalan under it.) Pat Starwalker: Come on. We have some episodes to write. M. Night Shyamalan: What a twist? Pat Starwalker: (smiles) Just like old times. (The episode ends on an iris out.) Category:Episodes Category:Transcripts Category:Episode Transcripts Category:JCM Category:2016 Category:The Silly Adventures Of Patrick Star:Back In Action